This Mother’s Day, I will have been a mother for exactly 15 months, 1 week, and 3 days. And I’m no closer to feeling like “I got this” than I was the day my daughter, Maeve, was born. Having and raising a baby during a pandemic, though now not an uncommon experience, can be challenging and isolating. And it leaves me constantly asking the question: How does anyone do this?!
Fortunately, I work with women who have superpowers. What superpowers, you ask? They are all strong, successful, working mothers. So, we gathered a group of these superhero moms from American Licorice for a conversation on motherhood, to share and learn what we could from each other, and to find connection around the one thing that seems to keep us together in a time of distance and dissonance: the love of our children.
The Evolution of Work-Life Balance
VP of Strategic Business Development, Jennifer Martin, has been with American Licorice Company, “Forever,” she shares with a laugh. Long enough, at least, to remember a time where working women weren’t encouraged to have a personal life. “My experience is from way back in the day and things have definitely changed,” notes Jennifer. Nowadays, she says, “We are a lot more balanced in our approach for personal and professional. It’s much better these days. I grew up in an era where women weren’t as prevalent in the workforce. And so, you kind of had to really make your stance and probably work a little bit harder than the men.”
And for Jennifer, who raised all three of her now-grown children as a single mother, that made for a lot of early mornings, late nights, and time away from home. “It was a lot of juggling, she says, “Thank goodness I have a lot of energy!” Jennifer’s juggling involved shuffling three kids around to all their sports, which at one time included twice-a-day gymnastics practice for her daughter. Reflecting on how she managed the constant shuffle, she says, “I did early morning wakeups and then quickly got on the phone, on the computer, rushed her over to the gym, sat there with the laptop, came back… So, it was a lot. I don’t wish that on anybody. I probably took on a lot, and too much. But it was kind of my nature.”
Alicia Madrid, Safety Specialist, shared her own experience with having to learn how to juggle in the wake of her own mother leaving the house. “We got to some point that we started having some differences about how I want to raise my child, or other things around the house. So, she decided to move by herself,” Alicia says. “And when that happened it was really, really difficult for me. I was working full time, and I thought, how am I going to manage to take my daughter to school, to take her to her extracurricular activities, to do cooking, to do cleaning?? I will say, the first few months, I struggled a lot.”
But in that struggle, Alicia found her superpower through the advantages of technology, and a supportive work environment. Finding that her supervisor understood her struggle and supported her through it eased the situation as Alicia learned to adjust. And the addition of an Instapot and robot vacuum at home didn’t hurt either!
Best of all, all three generations of women are now better connected, just by having a bit more space. “I think we’re doing much better with my mom,” Alicia observes of her and her daughter, now fourteen. “She has a much better relationship with my daughter, and every time we see her, we have a great time.”
Moms Talk Mental Health
Being a mom involves lots of obvious juggling on the outside. But the thoughts, feelings and emotions we juggle on the inside are just as challenging – if not more so.
Sara Inscho, Regional Procurement Specialist, is also navigating being a single mom while working full time AND being back in school. “Being a single parent can be very difficult,” Sara shares. “I’m juggling being a parent, working a full-time job, and I’m also going back to school to get my second bachelor’s in accounting. So, just juggling everything up in the air, some things are bound to fall.”
What Sara has been very intentional about keeping up in the air is the example she wants to set for her six-year-old daughter, particularly when it comes to mental and emotional health. After feeling stigmatized herself, she wants to create and support healthy outlets for her daughter by, “Trying to let her express herself. Not telling her: Why are you crying? There’s no point in crying, and what are you crying about?’” Sara’s feeling is that, “If you have a bad day, let it out. If you want to go outside and scream at the top of your lungs, let it be! We just need to make sure we focus and give them, not only children but adults as well, healthy alternatives to express themselves.”
Cora Springman, Assistant Controller, believes that this particular tide is turning, and that our children will grow up with a different relationship to conversations about mental health. “I feel the country is sort of taking a turn in how they treat people with mental health issues, and sort of taking it seriously,” Cora says, going on to share that, “Everyone in my house, myself included, has some mental health struggles.”
Cora’s experience is not unlike many of the women in the group, who have used their strength, determination, and empathy as women and as mothers to navigate mental health challenges that they or their families experience. Jessica Bracken, CRM Account Coordinator, offered advice from her own life experiences around seeking the help that is needed without being ashamed.
Jessica has four teenagers at home, which is difficult in and of itself. “I struggled with getting angry at my kids, or my boyfriend,” she shares. “I felt like there was something wrong with me, like I wouldn’t react properly. So, I decided to be the role model and reach out for help and say, I don’t feel right.”
Like Sara, she seeks to normalize both the struggles we encounter, and the act of reaching out for help. “[I want to be] the role model for the kids in saying, there’s nothing wrong with you. It just means that you need someone to help guide you to the right path with what works for you, to help you stay strong mentally.”
“Everyone just expects moms to just be supermoms and have superpowers,” Jessica goes on to say. “And you know what? We’re human, too. We get overwhelmed, we’re exhausted. And sometimes it’s OK to reach out and have someone to talk to. Just to be like, look, I’m struggling with this right now… any words of advice to get through this?” The same inclination should be encouraged with children, she says. “With your kids, you know, grades are important – yes. But your mental health is definitely important, too. In order to stay strong, you have to be mentally strong.”
Mental fortitude can be hard to hang onto as a mother when your entire life seems to be dedicated to the care of others – at the expense of yourself. Courtney Schoof, Documentation & Project Administrator, returned from maternity leave in January 2022 after having her second son, who couldn’t be more different as a baby than his now four-year-old brother. “Nothing that worked with Jackson works with Parker,” laughs Courtney, going on to share that as a result, more responsibility is falling on her.
“Parker will not drink a bottle,” she shares. “He’s thankfully old enough to be into baby food, but nighttime feedings? That’s all on me. Whereas the first time, my husband and I split the nighttime wakings and were a team, and did it like clockwork. And this time it’s always on me. I have a harder time being able to leave and do anything, and I always have to set the timer because I have to be back, because he’s going to have to nurse, because I’ve been gone.”
To add a little fuel on the fire, her little guy also sleeps like a newborn. The joys of motherhood…
When the little ones we love demand so much from us, our inclination as their mom is to constantly give and give and give. But this can create a trap which is difficult for moms to escape. Marjorie Crane, Senior Accounts Receivable Specialist, shares, “Like everyone said here, I kept giving, I kept giving, I kept giving, but I never gave anything to myself.” Depleting her self-care bank contributed to more difficulty in navigating both physical and mental health challenges. Fortunately, like Jessica and others, Marjorie made the decision to do something about it.
“It got to a breaking point,” she says, “I had had enough. I started going to the doctors and working out.” Once she is fully recovered from a recent surgery, she says, “I’m going to be back in the gym again working on myself, being a good mom for my daughter, and being a good role model for her. And just making sure that she’s taken care of, and I’m taken care of, and being the best I can be for her.”
Surviving & Thriving Through Mom Guilt
Marjorie’s goals are not unlike the rest of ours, to raise happy, healthy children and be good role models for the people they will become. After surviving the loss of a child before becoming pregnant with her daughter, she shared that her pregnancy was difficult at best. Her now 8-year-old daughter was born 9 weeks premature, and Marjorie spent the first 43 days of her life in the NICU 10-12 hours a day.
“I can say I’m proud that my daughter is a happy, well-adjusted, loving and kind person,” says Marjorie, going on to share that it’s not easy working full time when your kids are little. Her daughter, however, is well aware of how important it is that her mom works. “She’s got such a bubbly little personality,” says Marjorie. “She’s so kind-hearted and she says to me, ‘Mommy, why do you work so hard for our family?’ And I tell her that’s my job, and I love her more than anything in this world. I would give everything for her. And I think all of us as mothers do that.”
Jennifer shared these sentiments, reflecting back on her experience as a single working mom, now with children in their late twenties and early thirties. “Now that I’m older, my kids look back and I think they appreciate the fact that I did work the whole time. It was extremely hard on them because I was gone, but I think now that they are older, they have a strong work ethic as well. I don’t know that they appreciated the fact that I was gone a lot, but at least they realize why I did what I did.”
“The guilts are always going to be there,” Jennifer goes on to admit. “The time you spend away, the time you work in, and so I never get over the guilt trip. It’s just something you have to deal with.” Sometimes this meant a lot of screaming on goodnight phone calls home. “It was gut-wrenching,” she says. “It was hard, but you just had to put a roof over their head, too. So, I did have to continue to work. [And] if you look at the positive, my kids are all doing very well. They all have great jobs, and they’re very much into making sure they have a balanced life, which is great.”
Cora is seeing this impact in action, noting that for her kids who are now 13 and 14, mom going to work and being in school was always their norm. “I have two Master’s degrees that I’ve done since they were born,” says Cora, “and so they’ve always kind of seen me working, and in school, and I think that helped instill in them the importance of school, the importance of behaving at school. Like, if you get in trouble at school, you should be afraid to come home.”
Though said with a smile, you know she means business. “I’m pretty strict on their grades,” Cora shares, noting that this wasn’t always easy for her kids, who are now thriving. “This year, they both have a 4.0 GPA, they don’t get in trouble at school. So, I don’t know if that’s something I said, but maybe just watching me in school the whole time. I feel like that’s the area, OK, successful there – check that off the list.”
Courtney recently checked something off her own list: taking time for herself. “I started having problems with being so overwhelmed, that I became very angry. Angry towards my children, angry towards my husband, towards my mom,” she says, echoing the experiences of burnout that are becoming more and more common, especially among moms.
However, like Marjorie and others, Courtney took action. “I have just recently started setting a goal for myself that once a week, I get just an hour or two – sometimes 3 if I’m really lucky – to myself. The responsibility stops, and it’s just my time. And sometimes that involves my husband taking the kids and just driving them around, and I’m just lying in bed.”
“I’m coming around to [realize] I can’t really pour from any empty cup,” says Courtney. “If I’m not taking care of myself, I can’t properly take care of others, and everything just starts to suffer. And I think, and I hope, this group gives us a chance to put the guilt aside and remember that we still matter, and we still have to do things for ourselves on top of everything else.”
ALC Supermom Wisdom
It’s just a phase. “Each phase of parenthood so far has just been different. Some of it gets easier and then in other ways it gets more challenging, especially when they can talk back and give you attitude, and not listen. But there’s a lot of rewarding things, too. You see their growth and their development, you see how they’re learning about their world, and their independence.” – Marjorie Crane
Be there for yourself. “You cannot give 100% of yourself, without being 100% yourself in the first place. If it makes you feel good to take a hot shower, take five extra minutes in that shower just to be alone. Or for me, going to the gym. That’s a great outlet for [me] if I’m upset about something, if I’m happy about something. And just kind of pushing myself. It’s a great release. And then I kind of see that in my daughter.” – Sara Inscho
Know you matter. “I think as moms we have a hard time recognizing that we’re still important. Everybody is important, yes, but we are too. So, I’m really proud of myself for recognizing that I don’t have to be a supermom all the time, and that I’m still important too, and that I still deserve and have earned a little time for myself.” – Courtney Schoof
Lean on your friends. “I have a great friend group, and some of those friends and couples are older and have grown children, and some of them have two-year-old’s. And so, it’s a good mix. And I just found that being able to talk with more experienced parents and younger parents brings such a great perspective, and I always find I pick up a little tip or trick along the way.” – Cora Springman
Get involved. “I think it’s important for kids to be able to – whether it’s in music, or the arts, or in sports, to have some kind of social outlet for them to grow as individuals. Team sports are great for learning how to deal with others. So, I do always recommend that there would be another outlet other than just school, to have kids grow as individuals.” – Jennifer Martin
Ask for help. “I just feel like it makes you a better person all around. It helps you with your self-improvement, there’s always room for self-improvement. And if you need to reach out to someone to help yourself gain that self-improvement, there’s no shame. You’re not broken, you’re just you.” – Jessica Bracken
Each woman has her own unique story, experience, and superpowers. Whether they are single moms, first-time moms, or living in multi-generational homes. Whether they have teenagers who ignore them, or who look to them to understand how to navigate life, relationships, and mental health. Whether they have lived through – or are still living through – babies who won’t sleep, or who scream with all their might when mom leaves for work. Whether they have survived babies who came too early, or sometimes, not at all. All of these women love their children more than anything in the world. And all of their children are incredibly lucky to have them as mothers.
The mom guilt will never leave us. But fortunately, neither will the joy of watching the little ones we brought into the world become the ones who will change the world. So, to my own mother, and to all other mothers: thank you for giving so much of yourself so that we could be here today, discovering and celebrating y/our superpowers.
