Pride Month Roundtable
As I clicked ‘Send’ on the invite to our Pride Month roundtable, I wasn’t sure what to expect. Would anyone want to participate? Would it be a good use of people’s time? Would the conversation bring us closer together?
I was nervous, but perhaps I should not have been. In sending the invite, I knew there were individuals within our American Licorice community who could speak to the complex, beautiful, and challenging experience of identifying as LGBTQ+, or loving those individuals as their allies.
And so, a small group composed of two LGBTQ+ community members and two allies met for a conversation full of shared experiences, unique perspectives, and a little practical advice.
Coming to the Table
“This conversation and being a part of this meeting was really important to me because I’ve always been a part of Alliance groups,” shares Megan Seibert, Graphic Design Specialist. “In college I was a part of that as well. And I’ve had a lot of friends and family members who are a part of the LGBTQIA+ community and have seen the struggle first-hand.”
Megan shares that although she identifies as part of the LGBTQ+ community, what she has learned from the experiences of those around her has been equally important. “I think it goes well beyond my own personal scope,” she says, “and being able to see how friends and other colleagues have gone through their own journeys has always been important to me.”
Walking with others along their journey can provide critical support that not all of us have access to. Barbara Payne, Safety Chain Technician, understands how necessary this support is, from her experiences without it. “I am here today because I feel like it is important to reach out and let others know that there are people around you that understand, that have been through it. Whatever ‘it’ may be. You’re not alone.”
Barbara shares that in searching for her own truth, “I didn’t have a lot of support, and didn’t know where to get that support. Making sure that other people have what I couldn’t access is a top priority for me.”
Shonna Mansfield, Consumer Data Architect, joins the conversation from a slightly different vantage point, both as member of Generation X, and as a mother of a teenage daughter. In Shonna’s experience, now having more visibility around orientation and identity, “brings up a whole new issue while you’re parenting.”
Living With Labels
The challenge, Shonna says, is to navigate the more fluid boundaries that now exist around her daughter’s relationships, compared to her own understanding of relationship dynamics growing up. “It brings up a whole new issue. I wouldn’t allow my daughter’s boyfriend to spend the night, so then do I allow girls to spend the night?” proposes Shonna, exploring what might be the appropriate expectations and boundaries for teenagers and the people they spend time with who may become potential romantic partners, regardless of gender.
This can be made especially challenging because of labels, she says. Shonna reflects both on her experiences as a parent of a Gen Z teen, and as someone whose role requires exploring consumer insights across multiple generations. “I think one of the biggest things we’ve learned about Gen Z is that they don’t want to have to be labeled,” explains Shonna. “They don’t want to have to identify one way or another. If I do say I’m one thing, I want to be able to change it later, etc. So, I think that one of the most important things is that there doesn’t have to be a label.”
“I think the label was one of my biggest problems when I first started trying to figure out who I was,” shares Barbara. “It felt like once I decided on something, you’re not allowed to change your mind. And if you change your mind, everyone jumps on you… So, it’s kind of a trial to get people to understand that people change, your feelings can change, your opinions, your personality even can change. You have to be accepting of how people can evolve.”
Equally important, adds Megan, is having self-acceptance as you explore your identity. “The core thing I tell people that are going through that transitional period and really figuring themselves out is: your happiness, your comfort, and your safety are the most important.”
“Now that we’re in Pride Month,” Megan continues, “there’s a lot of this unspoken pressure to come out. That subconscious pressure to be out is sometimes good and sometimes bad. It’s good in that it empowers people, and makes you feel that you can be you, and be unapologetically you, and not have to think twice about it.”
She goes on to say that it can be equally empowering to keep your identity personal. “If you don’t need people to know, if you’re comfortable with people not knowing and you feel more comfortable, that’s OK, too,” explains Megan. “It’s one of those things that is very individual. You have to decide for yourself.”
Critical Conversations
When you open the work fridge to find your lunch buried among dozens of lunch bags and takeout boxes, it helps if your lunch is clearly labeled. The same holds true in identity politics. When you clearly wear a social label like bisexual or straight, female or nonbinary, it allows others to easily identify you. But what happens when an entire generation appears poised to throw our nice, neat labels out the window? Enter: discomfort.
The ever-broadening spectrums of sexual orientation and gender identity can be especially challenging for those who have been socialized with more limiting definitions of sexuality and gender. This discomfort can often lead to fear, fear which can produce hostile work environments.
Barbara shared one such example of an individual who was actively and repeatedly misgendered in the workplace, and who ultimately decided to seek employment elsewhere because of the open ridicule they experienced from others. “I wish we lived in a world where people like that would whisper,” she says, of those who participated in inappropriate commentary about the individual’s appearance. “I wish they weren’t brave enough to come up to anyone and ask questions like that. Can you believe what they’re wearing? Yes, I can believe what they’re wearing – clothes! I’m glad you’re wearing them too!”
“There are some people in my life where they would ask a question, but I know they really didn’t care about the answer. They were there for confrontation,” she admits. However, the act of asking questions can be an opportunity for positive change, she says. “There are people who are genuinely curious and do want to know. They ask why with sincerity, and not aggression. So, the people that are there just to prod and poke, I just shut it down. Because I don’t have time to educate everybody. I don’t have the emotional energy.”
Though critical to building a better understanding, it gets wearing to bear the responsibility for being the bigger person more often than not. This responsibility typically falls on members of the LGBTQ+ community, who are then expected to greet misconceptions, prejudices, and judgements with compassion and understanding.
“It’s very hard to approach things with compassion sometimes,” says Megan, “especially when you hear those off-the-wall comments. Maybe they don’t realize that it’s hurtful. They’ll say something and you’re like, ‘WOW! You really just spoke those words out loud!’ But [it’s important to remember these individuals] were socially raised to think that way.”
“You addressed it way nicer than I would, Megan!” says Shonna with a laugh, explaining that as part of Gen X, having conversations on orientation and gender weren’t common. “I grew up with one half of my family very liberal, the other half very racist and strict,” she says, “But on the more liberal side, I had a lot of friends of the family, aunts, and uncles, that were gay. So, in some ways I think it made it a little bit easier.”
“I think it’s hard to not get mean about it,” shares Barbara. “Because you’re attacked from all sides sometimes, and it feels like there’s no one on your side sometimes. And something that makes so much sense to you is making the people around you so aggressive. It’s hard to keep that patience and that compassion. It’s a chore, for sure. It’s not easy. But I don’t ever want to turn someone down who’s trying to learn.”
Finding Your People
In these moments of feeling like no one is on your side, Barbara reiterates how important it is to find people who understand and support you. “I wish that when I was younger, someone had told me that it’s OK to not know exactly what you want,” she reflects. “It’s OK to not have a word for whatever you’re feeling, and it’s OK if people around you don’t understand because you will find people who WILL understand at some point. It might not just be at this second.”
“I don’t think it’s terribly different from the words I tell my daughter on a regular basis,” adds Shonna. “Just about life and school, and mean girls, and everything else… Just be you, be true to you, not everybody has to like you, it’s OK if they don’t like you. They can only bring you down if you give them permission. Those are conversations we have every day, regardless of sexual status.”
Advice for Allies
Creating more acceptance and understanding cannot be the sole responsibility of LGBTQ+ individuals alone. So there is opportunity for the allies in the room to do some work, starting with a few practical pointers:
- Ask Questions.
Barbara: I think asking questions is huge. I think asking questions is going to be one of THE most important things because that starts the conversation. And I don’t think we’re going to get anywhere without talking first.
Shonna: I think also letting people who aren’t sure that they understand or accept it, or whatever the word may be, but allowing them to ask questions to really understand a little better. Letting people know that it’s ok to ask those questions.
Megan: Asking questions and then listening, genuinely listening to the answer. Really handing the mic off to the individuals and the community that you’re trying to uplift, and really listening. What do you need? What do you want? How can we help? Versus assuming or guessing. - Be Gracious.
Barbara: I think that another way to help is to be gracious and accepting when you are corrected. There have been times when I’ve been afraid of correcting someone because I thought they’d be mad at me, or I wasn’t sure they’d react kindly. So, I would just let it slide because I didn’t want the repercussions from it.
Shonna: I will say the hardest thing for me is to remember the pronouns. Because it’s just not how I was raised, it wasn’t something we ever did. And so, my daughter corrects me all the time and I think I’m getting better. I’m getting better at using ‘they’ across the board because it’s just easier. But my daughter corrects me all the time when I say it wrong, and I’m like, I’m sorry I don’t mean to! But you’re literally reprogramming my brain since I was like, two! - Be Patient.
Barbara:[It’s important to be] open and willing to be corrected. That was a big thing I had trouble with when I was growing up. Things were a certain way, and that’s it. There was no other way. And if you deviate in the slightest, no. That’s not OK. So, I think just being open and ready to accept things that don’t seem like they’re normal or OK for you. They could be just fine, but you just have to be a little patient. Even with yourself, be a little patient with yourself until you understand.
Megan: Don’t worry about remembering all the different words, the different definitions. I mean, I grew up with all this throughout high school, throughout college. Even now I’ve got so many friends involved in [the LGBTQIA+], and I can’t keep all of them straight. It’s one of those things where if you’re putting forth effort and you’re being kind, and you are allowing yourself to be corrected and not take fault. Correct yourself and move on, it’s a new day.”
To live in today’s world is to live under a lot of labels. Some of these labels are visible and inherent, some we discover and adopt along the way. These labels create a shared social understanding of how we are the same and how we are different from others. There are labels for our orientation, our ethnicity, and our gender. There are labels for our country of origin, and our class, and even our generation.
Each of these labels carries its own weight that bears on us, and informs our experiences, and the way we relate to ourselves and to others. Pride Month invited the opportunity for a conversation among a small group of individuals of many differing labels, who turned out to share a particular common interest: creating more connection by practicing patience.
We invite you to be a part of keeping us all connected, through your support of organizations that create safe spaces for young LGBTQ+ people in our local communities. Visit the links below for more information.
